Thinking about my grandfather, this Friday it is 3 months exactly since he passed away. The time has flown by. I still don't think I have come to terms with it. You spend 21 years seeing a person every day of your life and then in 10 minutes the person goes from being quiet in their bed to passing away. It is truly hard to comprehend. The phone call to say he passed away will haunt me for the rest of my life, as will my fathers reaction. I have never seen the man I look up to cry floods of tears.
I can deal with death as it is the only certainty in life, you will die one day other than that life is what you make of it, but what I find hard is granddad has left a vast space in my life. For the past few years he has been in failing health with Alzheimer's and dementia, becoming more forgetful and appearing vacant at times in the last 6 months prior to last December he was my grandfather in body but not in my mind, at least not the man I remembered who would play me on computer games and kick a football in his 70's.
The fact he is no longer here hits me hardest, I miss him so much. He was more than just a grandfather. His presence in my life is sorely missed, when I go in my grandmothers the house is so empty without him perched on his chair by the window. I miss seeing him, helping him and hearing his voice. Other than photographs and heirlooms I have inherited all i have are memories, I long to see him once more or hear his voice call me 'boy' he is the only person I would take being called that from.
The hardest part for me was scattering his ashes, the fact that once the container was opened and the dust settles I have nothing more of my grandfather. He is gone in the wind and free as a bird.it hit me hard that moment and seeing what remained of him, a man reduced to dust. I think grandma upset me also, when it was just me and her prior to scattering his ashes she caught hold of me and told me that it is down to me that she too is cremated and scattered where grandad was. I think it was the thought of losing another grandparent, I'll have to go through it four times in total. I dread the day it happens.
Prior to writing this, I am crying my eyes out whilst doing this, that was the first time I cried since the phone call to say grandad passed away. I tend to retreat into a shell and deal with emotional issues by holding up a guard and keeping my feelings hidden, I guess to some I can be seen as strong but to most like my family I am seen as cold and not bothered, which is totally opposite. I guess I try to be strong for everyone else, when you are emotional you don't think rationally. For example we (grandma &dad) decided not to have a post-mortem done to spare my grandfather being messed about with. The decision was made right after we saw his body at the hospital and everyone bar me was in floods of tears, now though they wish they did get the post-mortem done as there may have been foul play and neglect but it's was too late to do anything so we will always have a niggle that if they did their jobs he may still be here. I guess being emotionless is how I deal with my grief, I don't think i grieved properly and I know it's good to cry and let it all out but I don't know, I guess I can't. I try to put a brave face on for everyone and as the old saying goes 'life goes on' these things happen in life.
I needed to vent and it has been nice to put this in words. I can talk about it with my family but well I am a honest person and call a spade a spade, intend to say how I feel which causes offence to some, especially my mother. The tears have been a bit weird, I didn't think I would cry whilst writing this. I think of my grandfather every day and hand on my hand I miss him so much. I just wish I could have one more day with him, there is so much I want to say to him. I never got to say goodbye to him, I regret not visiting him the night before he passed away. I was too busy messing at home to go up, a decision I will regret until the day I die.
Life is short and you have to cease each opportunity and make the most of every second, tell people you love them and how you feel whilst you can. We don't know what is around the corner and tomorrow the opportunity may not be there anymore.
I'll wrap this up now, it is 6.48am on 13/3/2011, I've not slept a wink yet. If you've read this far, thank you.
